The good news

The good news is Uta is doing a lot better. The bad news is that before he got better, he got a lot worse. On Thursday night I could hardly recognize the boy in Uta's bed. After five days on antibiotics, his fever came back with a vengeance and his breathing became alarmingly labored. He could hardly lift his head from his pillow and the sparkle in his eyes completely disappeared. We took him to the ER. After x-rays and evaluation they decided he needed to stay. Twelve days of fever had him completely dehydrated. His blood oxygen levels were too low and his heart rate was too high. Apparently the Pneumonia rattling Uta's lungs was resistant to amoxicillin. All that pink nasty liquid he was choking down twice a day was having no effect. The doctors concocted a much stronger cocktail of drugs, administered by mouth as well as by IV drip. Four days later Uta is back. He lost ten pounds and all those strong karate muscles. But he's smiling and moonwalking just the same.

Get Well Soon!!!

Being sick is no fun. Well, it was a little fun at first, Uta said. He liked being allowed to watch movie after movie in bed and have unlimited sports drinks and ice pops. But the thrill has worn off and now Uta is sick of being sick. It has been ten days after all! Who wouldn't be? When I asked him if he would like to try eating some apple sauce, he said he'd like to try to kick me out the window. And when the wind rattled our front door, he glared, and very sternly asked, "Who dares to knock on a sick man's door?" He's mad. But also a little bit funny. So its a hopeful sign. He wasn't making jokes, even evil ones, a couple days ago. I think he's getting better.

A silver lining in all this was a care package that arrived from school yesterday. All sixteen of his classmates wrote get well cards for Uta. They were all so sweet. They truly made Uta feel better. His  teacher says Uta is genuinely missed by all, the class just doesn't feel the same without him. Uta said he didn't know everyone cared about him. He read the cards over and over again with a big smile on his face. Then we hung them above his bed. 

More on Uta

The first visit to the doctor just ruled stuff out, no strep, ears good, chest clear.  The doctor concluded it must be one of the many viruses running around. But seven days from the start of it and Uta is no better, in fact I'd say he's a bit worse. He has a fever that rockets up and above 104 throughout the day and night and a cough that wont give him a moments rest. His appetite is nonexistent. Today he managed a single bite of toast, nothing more. A week and counting on this diet has already transformed his once solid blue belt frame into a wisp of his former self. So back to the doctor for a second round of prodding. This time the doctor did not like the way Uta's lungs sounded and diagnosed him with pneumonia. He has been started on antibiotics. Hopefully now we'll start seeing some improvement.

Thanksgiving

Our thanksgiving was overshadowed by the fact that Uta was pretty sick. He came down with a fever monday night and seven days later is still fighting to oust it. Luckily we have great friends willing to cross the quarantine line, brave the contaminated air of our apartment, and cook up some good food and laughter. Grandma came too. It was one of the nicest thanksgivings to date.

Thanks Grandpa!

What's so funny?

Uta. Only Uta can make Kizuki laugh like this.

Bad Dreams & Invisible Monsters

3:37 am

Mom?
Yeah?
Bad dream.
What happened?
There was a goldfish.
And?
I can't remember after that.

Uta falls back to sleep. I don't really, but try my best, and sort of settle in, feeling sleep is still within reach. And then...

4:07am
Mom?
Yeah?
Another one.
Please let me sleep.
It was soo scary.
What happened?
I don't remember.
Please sleep.

And he does. Only this time sleep feels like a penny dropped in the sea for me. Its gone, I'm never getting it back. I can lie in bed and try and hope and will myself to sleep, but I'm wide awake and the worries have already crashed through the door (they wait patiently just outside most nights). So now I must contend with them, push them all back out before I might sleep again. But I'm already thinking of the morning, wondering if the effort is worth the trouble. Shall I just start my day along with the bakers, rise and shine, make Uta's lunch? Or maybe I should draw. That last idea makes me dig a little deeper under the covers, nestle my head a little heavier on my pillow.

4:27am
Kizuki coughs. She wakes and begins flapping her legs like a fish tossed from the comfort of the ocean onto the deck of a boat. I wait. She stops flapping. I see the blacks of her eyes open in the dark, but she is not really registering anything. Her eyes close. She sleeps. But not me. I'm still thinking about getting up, listing all the reasons stopping me from going to the studio to draw. The air feels a little chilly, and my throat a little scratchy. I might be catching a cold. I should sleep. But I can't! So why not draw!

4:42am
And then H starts snoring. Snoring so loud and so continuously I wonder how he is managing to take in adequate air for survival, much less sleep! Its almost five. No, there is no use even trying to sleep at this point. So?

Recently it is not just the middle of the night that finds me struggling to get myself in the studio. It is anytime, all the time. Granted I don't have much free time to speak of, but moments do arise when I could very realistically do a little something and don't. H says I'm fighting an invisible monster. There is nothing really stopping me from drawing. Nothing?! I'm fighting nothing? There is nothing to fight? Its like telling me I've been using every last ounce of blood and sweat in my body to break down a locked door. But the door is not really locked. Its open. All I need to do is turn the handle and walk right in.

I think of Toni Morrison. When she had small children underfoot she made a habit of rising by five and using the quiet before they woke to write. This is what I need to do as well. I need to make a new habit.

I get up.

Story time

Kizuki is obsessed with books. She wants to be read to all day, no exaggeration. She grabs a book and stomps her foot, literally stomps her little foot on the ground like a horse, until we concede to her wishes and read. She loves books about animals the most. Her favorite at the moment is one about baby farm animals. Perhaps it is because I've read it nearly a billion times, but it is the most irritating of books. I keep trying to stash it away, but no matter where I file it on the shelf, she seeks it out and brings it to me again and again and again. She gets so excited by the piglet page. She points to the pig's snout and then to her own nose, makes little 'snif-snif' noises, and laughs. It is a good joke, it makes me laugh too, but I do hope we get to move on to something else one day soon.