More on Uta

The first visit to the doctor just ruled stuff out, no strep, ears good, chest clear.  The doctor concluded it must be one of the many viruses running around. But seven days from the start of it and Uta is no better, in fact I'd say he's a bit worse. He has a fever that rockets up and above 104 throughout the day and night and a cough that wont give him a moments rest. His appetite is nonexistent. Today he managed a single bite of toast, nothing more. A week and counting on this diet has already transformed his once solid blue belt frame into a wisp of his former self. So back to the doctor for a second round of prodding. This time the doctor did not like the way Uta's lungs sounded and diagnosed him with pneumonia. He has been started on antibiotics. Hopefully now we'll start seeing some improvement.

Thanksgiving

Our thanksgiving was overshadowed by the fact that Uta was pretty sick. He came down with a fever monday night and seven days later is still fighting to oust it. Luckily we have great friends willing to cross the quarantine line, brave the contaminated air of our apartment, and cook up some good food and laughter. Grandma came too. It was one of the nicest thanksgivings to date.

Thanks Grandpa!

What's so funny?

Uta. Only Uta can make Kizuki laugh like this.

Bad Dreams & Invisible Monsters

3:37 am

Mom?
Yeah?
Bad dream.
What happened?
There was a goldfish.
And?
I can't remember after that.

Uta falls back to sleep. I don't really, but try my best, and sort of settle in, feeling sleep is still within reach. And then...

4:07am
Mom?
Yeah?
Another one.
Please let me sleep.
It was soo scary.
What happened?
I don't remember.
Please sleep.

And he does. Only this time sleep feels like a penny dropped in the sea for me. Its gone, I'm never getting it back. I can lie in bed and try and hope and will myself to sleep, but I'm wide awake and the worries have already crashed through the door (they wait patiently just outside most nights). So now I must contend with them, push them all back out before I might sleep again. But I'm already thinking of the morning, wondering if the effort is worth the trouble. Shall I just start my day along with the bakers, rise and shine, make Uta's lunch? Or maybe I should draw. That last idea makes me dig a little deeper under the covers, nestle my head a little heavier on my pillow.

4:27am
Kizuki coughs. She wakes and begins flapping her legs like a fish tossed from the comfort of the ocean onto the deck of a boat. I wait. She stops flapping. I see the blacks of her eyes open in the dark, but she is not really registering anything. Her eyes close. She sleeps. But not me. I'm still thinking about getting up, listing all the reasons stopping me from going to the studio to draw. The air feels a little chilly, and my throat a little scratchy. I might be catching a cold. I should sleep. But I can't! So why not draw!

4:42am
And then H starts snoring. Snoring so loud and so continuously I wonder how he is managing to take in adequate air for survival, much less sleep! Its almost five. No, there is no use even trying to sleep at this point. So?

Recently it is not just the middle of the night that finds me struggling to get myself in the studio. It is anytime, all the time. Granted I don't have much free time to speak of, but moments do arise when I could very realistically do a little something and don't. H says I'm fighting an invisible monster. There is nothing really stopping me from drawing. Nothing?! I'm fighting nothing? There is nothing to fight? Its like telling me I've been using every last ounce of blood and sweat in my body to break down a locked door. But the door is not really locked. Its open. All I need to do is turn the handle and walk right in.

I think of Toni Morrison. When she had small children underfoot she made a habit of rising by five and using the quiet before they woke to write. This is what I need to do as well. I need to make a new habit.

I get up.

Story time

Kizuki is obsessed with books. She wants to be read to all day, no exaggeration. She grabs a book and stomps her foot, literally stomps her little foot on the ground like a horse, until we concede to her wishes and read. She loves books about animals the most. Her favorite at the moment is one about baby farm animals. Perhaps it is because I've read it nearly a billion times, but it is the most irritating of books. I keep trying to stash it away, but no matter where I file it on the shelf, she seeks it out and brings it to me again and again and again. She gets so excited by the piglet page. She points to the pig's snout and then to her own nose, makes little 'snif-snif' noises, and laughs. It is a good joke, it makes me laugh too, but I do hope we get to move on to something else one day soon. 

Family jam

Road trip

Last weekend Uta went on a road trip with his grandpa. They drove together, six hours north, to Portland, to see Uncle J sing. They made an extended weekend of it, staying two nights in a hotel, so that they could spend a little time with J when he wasn't singing. This is the longest Uta and I have ever been apart. Some may see it as down right crazy, to go so long without a little break, but I've always thought myself lucky. I have been able to be with Uta every day, day and night, until he was nearly eight years old. This summer he did his first sleepover at a friend's house that broke our marathon of togetherness. This sort of togetherness is not for everyone, but for us it was the right thing. Did he miss me? Only a tiny bit he said, holding his thumb and forefinger a mere millimeter apart from one another. Did I miss him? Not at all! The quiet he left in his wake was heavenly. I love him, of course, but he rarely stops talking. And his presence sometimes feels like it fills every crack and crevice in my brain so densely I dont have adequate space for a thought of my own. Thoughts of my own, what a luxury! Uta enjoyed himself immensely too. He got to eat fruit loops for breakfast (the confession of which left him rolling with laughter on the kitchen floor), watch TV in bed, and go for a swim any time it struck his fancy. Moms are good, but being away from them is pretty good too.

Kabuki-warrior

Uta's costume idea came partly from a creative mind, but mostly from indecision. He wanted to be a ninja, of course, he wants to every year, but he also wanted to be an owl. Thus the ninja with wings, and a bird-like mask was born. When he finished making his costume and put it all together he was certain he looked like some Japanese character that he couldn't remember the name of. With Papa's help they pinpointed the resemblance to a Kabuki-warrior.

Halloween pictures

Above: Uta, as a ninja/mythical bird hybrid, along with Lara Ingalls, a robber, a lion, and a turtle.